I will depart a little from the "string" of things with this installment. No one reads these anyway, so it isn't like that is a reason to explain. But I'm here. What the hell.
I'm on a first day of a twelve day cleanse and feeling sort of spiritual right now. Very spiritual actually. Quite pleasant, in a light hunger sort of way. I would imagine if I did 40--the sky would totally open up for me. Not that it is closed. That is all about perception you know. And ability. Perceptability. I'll have to check that out later....
For now I want to discuss the fourth chakra, the heart center. You know it is always a little irritating to me to read someone's explanation of the chakras, like it is hard-fast, unchangeable, all-or-nothing reality. I have my theories about the chakras and it is helpful to read the great wealth of material about them, but folks, come on, at best we know only fragments of the whole story. I don't think that all there is to be known about chakras is meant to be known for us at this level. If it was in the realm of man and available to man's idle whims, surely we would treat chakras no better than we've treated agriculture or healthcare or how we run the world. No, chakras are out of our reach, thank Buddha.
This little excursion is brought to you by a memory which still burns of a particular experience from about five or eight years ago. I had traveled out to California to meet a medical doctor from England who was in the U.S. teaching a new healing technique she had recently learned. I didn't take the bait completely but was interested enough that I traveled to California to meet her and see if I thought she had something to offer.
Her technique was all about light. She said we could do away with all the struggle and disciplines and all the self help and rigorous methods associated with self cultivation. It is a matter of working with the light, she said. And supposedly if I would have plunked down the bucks (I don't remember how much, hundreds or thousands, or something between), she could have imparted the technique and I would now be on the path to complete freedom from pain.
I shy away from paying for spiritual advancement but the email exchanges were interesting enough to take me cross country to meet her. We had dinner at my suggestion. She actually gave me quite a bit of time. She was from India originally, living in England, and again remember, she was a medical doctor. I was more interested in seeing in her eyes and heart if there was a teacher there for me. I decided not. But still, this makes the story for what she told me to do.
She asked, "You meditate, right?" As it happens, at that time I had a fantastic meditation practice. Every morning, on rising, I would meditate for about two hours. I was capable at that time to go very quickly to a profound state and dwell in that space for between 30 minutes to an hour. The rest was used getting to that point and coming back in to my waking self.
She suggested that when I returned to my home and the place where I meditate that on the next session that I leave my crown chakra and then to report back to her about the experience. I said I would and we left it at that. Later that night I drover her to her Indian friend's home who was hosting her visit in Southern California and we said so long. I don't think we've had another email exchange or any other contact since then.
But this blog entry is about the experience I had. I think there is a connection to the rest of these installments. Not necessarily about strings or quantum but about "potential" and self and energy and matter.
It was probably about a week later. Because it was back at my meditation place at the time, which was down stairs, on a hard back chair, facing the wall. As she suggested I went in to the meditation with the intention of traveling out my crown chakra.
I spent the first part of the session getting deep within and once I was well situated and not distracted with thoughts or chasing my tail, I traveled up and through my head and to my crown chakra.
Immediately there was chatter. I was struggling with the conversation which I was thrown in to. It was all about this imagined conversation I would have with this woman doctor. Something along these lines...
"I've always been able to leave my crown chakra. Its just that I'm not into astral projection and all that." I went in to all this blah, blah, blah about me and my development and my ability and my consciousness and my awareness and yackity yak.
Naturally, as I watched this conversation taking place, I would attempt to pull myself out of all that and just be in the experience, and eventually I stilled it long enough to traverse the opening and to leave the chakra. There I was "above" myself and easily able to look "down" and see me seated, meditating. In fact, at this moment, even watching these letters appear, and watching my fingers type and watching myself read and reflect that I'm writing and reading and telling the story, I'm conscious of and can still see the same image of me looking down at my meditating self, together with me watching all of this, including me watching me describe and feel and exist on umtold levels of sensations!
But when I was at about ceiling height, the jabber started again! But this time it was in defense of not wanting to leave my body. And right then it happened. I instantly saw what I was dealing with and a clear message was also present. I'll try to explain.
The defense for not wanting to leave my body was at first this ego story of knowledge. I "knew" that astral projection was "nowhere" and only for amatuers. I "knew" that it was so low a level of development because we already dwell outside of ourselves and already are not limited to the skin of our body. We already are "everywhere" and "nowhere" and that this whole exercise of "leaving the body" was for juniors. I "knew" I was way ahead of that.
But then I got it. This wasn't about that and certainly wasn't to grow the ego. I understood that I had a chance right then to see what I was really struggling with. I knew that if this jabber was working to defend something, that something on a deeper level was taking place. And I finally got to that place. And it was also a reassuring voice.
Like all meditation, the opportunity was to hold the experience and walk around it from all sides. To understand it and to go "into" it. To get to the root of it. I learned then and there how little in to the journey I am. I learned at that moment that I am such a phony and hypocrite. I knew right then that my ability and power was meager and nearly silly.
As I was explaining, in my imagination, to the fine doctor, that I always could leave my body but didn't want to, I was quite outside of my body. And as I rose to ceiling level I could tell it was as if I was taking my first launch from the 40foot diving board in to the small tub of water. I was scared and I didn't want to jump from the nest yet.
So this is what I understood I had to go deeper into. This is what I had to learn about myself. This is also how I learned that my level is very low and how much further I have to go and that probably it will be not in this lifetime that I get to where I had hoped I would. But not like "getting there" is somewhere else. More like, be patient and just be. But there is more. Much more.
For me I understood a whole bunch of stuff about my sexuality, money, the way I try to earn a living, the connection to all of that and to how we come from dust and return to dust. It was MATTER. I realized that I'm dealing with things from a level of matter. Earth. Very earthy stuff. This explained my whole sexual thing which I had been struggling with, which is "why am I so driven and aroused sexually by women?" and how am I not able to moderate my attraction. Not that I'm jumping in bed with beautiful women but I am "lusting after them in my heart" as Jesus said. And all was crystal clear and at the same time the voice was, like, "and it's cool." Like chill out. Take it easy. Everything is OK!
But I got it. I didn't want to leave my body because it isn't time for me to be anyplace other than the space I'm in. The whole money thing and taking care of my family and the jerk that I am most of the time--it is all related to MATTER, EARTH. Outside of my body, in space outside of my skin, I wouldn't be constrained with matter or earth stuff. And all that is fine and will be fine and very fine indeed and I'm there and haven't left. But it wasn't about that. It was about recognizing this discomfort and understand the source of it.
I can't even explain it now but at that moment it was all clear. I think the rest of the session will help make sense of this. So after I had that clarity at ceiling level, I let myself venture further. And I soared. First outside the walls to the house (actually I looked around upstairs for a few minutes as I recall and maybe even went out the front door to the neighborhood). I flew up and out of the earth's atmosphere and sort of swirled around the moon. I went to the edge of the solar system and shot out in to deep space. I observed other solar systems as I sped past them and probably shot in and out of black holes, exploring the way you could short cut (like in the Clue game between rooms) to other parts of the universe. And then I slowed down as I approached what seemed like the "edge" of the universe. "Wait" I told myself, there is no edge, it is unending. So I searched for more and was able to continue but again there was this pressing question, "Where to from here?" And it was plain to me that there had to be a place to leave that "zone" that dimension of universe. So it seemed like an edge or ledge. As if I was looking down from the edge of the universe, ready to jump to something else.
So I searched more and seemed to go in circles until I found the door. Guess where it was? It was in my heart. From the edge of the universe I discoverd the way to come back into myself from that exact spot was IN TO MY HEART! And I found the great circle of connection and also discovered that it was a figure eight. I don't know how or why it was a figure eight but it was. And at the center of the figure eight is my heart center!
So I think that same door is also the center which connects us to everything outside of ourselves. I don't know precisely why I wanted to explain this to you now. But I did. And I have. So goodbye.
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